The Lowest of Lows, and the Mega Millions Jackpot


Here we have former NBA All-Star, failed entrepreneur, and high-out-of-his-mind internet broadcaster Stephon Marbury winning the CBA championship. We see him holding his strange styrofoam-material-looking trophy, screaming at the top of his lungs. In the words of former teammate Kevin Garnett, “ANYTHING IS POSSIBLEEE!!!!”

As for the bouquet of flowers, at first I thought it was tucked into the trophy, but it turns out it’s his teammate behind him holding up a bouquet of flowers, and the flowers looks like they are part of the trophy.

Also is that Hu Jintao next to Marbury? Got another picture of Marbury and it’s not him. I guess Asians do look similar.


Also in this picture, our 7’9 boy Sun Ming Ming in the background.

On the topic of sinking to new lows, I bought $10 worth of lottery tickets last night. The Mega Millions Jackpot was at $540 million when I bought my tickets, and now it is at $640 million. After tax, it comes out to $346.5 million in cold hard cash for the winner, or $480 million if I choose to get it paid out in 26 annual payments. I would probably do the 26 annual payments if the number was any smaller, but $346.5 million is just about enough to buy an NBA team.

The Lakers are valued at $900 million and the Knicks are valued at $780 million. Probably a billion after the emergence of- wait for it…. Jeremy Lin. As awesome as it would be to own some of the most storied NBA franchises, it’s just not a possibility, even after the impossibility of winning the lottery. But what is ‘possible’ is owning some of the smaller market, struggling franchises. Here is a list of NBA franchises that I can afford if I win the Mega Millions lottery. I probably have to account for debt (i.e. Hornets are in a fat fat debt) but I will just buy the franchise and somehow find a way to pay off the debt. I’m sure there’s a lot more to buying an NBA team than just winning the lottery, but I took a college economics class in High School, so I think I know more than enough.

So I have $346.5 million to work with… Just looking at buying the franchise, I can afford…

  1. Utah Jazz
  2. Detroit Pistons
  3. Cleveland Cavaliers
  4. Washington Wizards
  5. Los Angeles Clippers
  6. Denver Nuggets
  7. Philadelphia 76ers
  8. Sacramento Kings
  9. New Orleans Hornets
  10. Indiana Pacers
  11. Charlotte Bobcats
  12. Minnesota Timberwolves
  13. Atlanta Hawks
  14. Memphis Grizzlies
  15. Milwaukee Bucks

Now that’s a pretty big list of NBA teams to choose from! Unfortunately the really really cool franchises are out of my hypothetical price range. If I use my interpretation of paying off debt, the teams I can actually afford after paying off these not-so-hidden costs are:

  1. Utah Jazz
  2. Los Angeles Clippers
  3. Denver Nuggets
  4. Milwaukee Bucks

Four teams that I definitely would not mind owning. If you guys were curious as to what I would do with each franchise, this is what I would do.

Utah Jazz – Before every game, I would practice the would-have-been greatest sports moment of all time with Gordon Hayward. He already said somewhere that there hasn’t been a day where he hasn’t been asked about that shot, but I don’t really care about that. I would push for the team to get rid of Al Jefferson and give Enes Kanter a little more burn. Although I am not sold on Derrick Favors, I will keep him so that people on basketball forums do not get mad at me. I will trade for Jimmer Fredette and practice long 3 pointers with him everyday, and give him a $1000 bonus for each long three he makes during the season, and up that number to $2000 during the playoffs. I would send Raja Bell to the Lakers as a joke then during the next All-Star Weekend I will have an excuse to chat with Kobe. I would also push to move my NBA team out of Mormonville and put them somewhere nicer like Palo Alto. I’ll have a well-documented bromance with Gordon Hayward. I would also waive Jeremy Evans then sign him to a lifetime contract as a snacks guy. Imagine watching a game then a former Dunk Contest champion goes and down the aisles screaming “Ice Cream! Ice Cream! Anyone want Ice Cream!” He would be the greatest snacks guy ever.

Los Angeles Clippers – If it hasn’t been trademarked already, I would trademark anything that has the word ‘lob’ in it, then receive a certain amount of money every time someone uses “Lob City” or “Lob Angeles” to describe the Clippers. Instead of whatever lame stadium food they have in the Staples Center right now, I will create a concession stand called Lobster City, and sell lobster rolls during the game. I’m sure LA snobs can afford lobster rolls during basketball games. I will hang out in the locker room a lot because Blake Griffin and DeAndre Jordan seem like funny guys to be around. This is the team with the best odds of a championship, as well the team with the most national TV time, so I would whore the hell out of myself and be equivalent to a Mark Cuban type owner. It’s only cool to be Mark Cuban if your team is good. If Mark Cuban was the owner of the Wizards no one would care. Me and Blake Griffin would be such good friends and we will be in so many commercials together. I would also do a random courtside lottery at every single game where I upgrade two tickets in the nosebleeds to courtside seats. That would be really awesome. Also every time Blake Griffin posterizes someone, everyone in the crowd gets free food. Not something shitty like a Big Mac or a Sourdough Jack (stupid Warriors), but something more substantial like a Chicken Basket from Dairy Queen.


Mmmmm… Chicken Basket…

Denver Nuggets – Fun fact. The Denver Nuggets are the oldest active basketball franchise without a Championship, dating back to when the franchise started as an ABA team in 1968. There are a lot of guys on this team that I like, and I love Javale McGee as much as I despise him. During the offseason I would host a TV Show called “Are you Smarter than Javale McGee?” and it will be better than “Shaq VS.” As much as I loved that idea, it was too much Shaq being Shaq, which is what to expect on a TV show about Shaq. When I’m sitting in my owner’s office all bored and stuff during the day I’d call George Karl and pull Chris Andersen out of practice and make the Birdman drive me places so I can get lunch together. I think Chris Andersen would be one of the coolest people to get lunch with in the NBA, just as a trophy friend. Imagine if you were eating some tacos with a few friends and then Chris Andersen walks in with his NBA owner. Awesome.

Milwaukee Bucks – The least valuable franchise in the NBA. As much as I love Monta Ellis, I am keeping him in Wisconsin, so Klay Thompson can continue to develop. I once watched Pirates of the Caribbean 4 with Ekpe Udoh on his birthday, so I will continue the tradition of watching movies with Ekpe Udoh on his birthday, but preferably not Pirates of the Caribbean. The Bucks are a pretty lame franchise, but an NBA team is an NBA team. Now that I think about it, if the only NBA team I could buy was the Bucks, I’d probably just not buy an NBA team and divide my money up randomly to my close friends and family. Yea. I don’t think I’m interested in the Bucks.

Unfortunately I did not win the Mega Millions. If no one wins it then I’ll buy some tickets again on Monday when it’s somewhere close to a billion. Then I could afford some better NBA teams.

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